Usher

Awhile ago I was on a lunch break and waltzing back from buying the most average sanga I think I have had, when I spotted two tanned gents walking towards me. One was a tiny little pipsqueak, while the other was a huge muscle mountain who was confidently holding my gaze as he gave me the most seductive half smile I had been thrown in a long time.
I was into it.
I gave him my best ‘dayyyyum boi I’d like me a slice of that chocolate cake’ look of appreciation and we locked eyes, knowing within our hearts that if it were socially acceptable, we would have embraced there and then in the street, while his lil muffin side kick looked out for cars, keeping us safe.
But that didn’t happen.
Instead, shorty kept smiling at me really hard, so much in fact, that it was off-putting and I broke the love connection I had with the tall mountain beast to give Jiminy Cricket a charity glance. The toothy shrimp beamed at me, and as we walked past each other, I realised that it was Usher, and the mountain man was his body guard and holy crap I have crushed on Usher since 1999 when he released Pop Ya Collar but srsly that boy is a squatty. For real. Like, I was taller than him by at least two USB sticks and I am a mere 5ft5 stayin alive.