25 – 27 August

The House of Dior: Seventy Years of Haute Couture @ NGV (29 Aug) – am literally dying over the red-carpet gala they have for the opening this Sat night. If you see someone wearing a transparent plastic skirt, 1950’s granny knickers and a top made only of glitter and icing sugar trying to sneak in, please help a sister out when the security guards start heading my way.
Melbourne Writer’s Festival @ Melbourne (25 Aug – 3 Sept) – the poor unite
The Bodyguard: The Musical @ Regent (24 Aug – dunno) – a musical written about the Kwain of the night
McGregor VS Mayweather @ Crown (27 Aug) – McGregor FTW ..of my heart, not the match #ShrugEmoji
Predator by DejaView Cinema @ Loose Leaf (24 August) – see Predator in an urban jungle. Or go to a pub in Richmond. Same same.
Arab Film Festival @ Nova (25 – 27 Aug) –  don’t tell my racist grandma but I went on a date with an Arabian bae the other day and first date was: flowers, chocolates, a 5-course degustation, Gold Class, another present and then a kiss on the hand. Aussie men please take note. Aussie women please take note.
Rally for Marriage Equality @ State Library (26 Aug) – marrying a beautiful gay man is all I have ever wanted to do and MARRYING A GAY SHOULD BE POSSIBLE – let it be so.
Melbourne Movie Market @ Astor (26 Aug) – DVDs for sale. LOL
Rutherglen in the City @ Melb (25 – 27 Aug) – I would rather Glen any day of the week.
Street food clash: Souva Vs Kebab @ Food Truck Park (25 – 27 Aug) – also known as my current dating life
Melbourne Tram Museum Open Day @ Hawthorn (26 Aug) – tram conductors of the past open their home
Japanese Designers Collective Pop-Up @ Fitzroy (24 – 27 Aug) – the day I turned 30 I was locked in a karaoke room in Japan by a drag queen who charged me $23 for an Asahi. An hour later I was chased by a geisha who hissed at me. I spent the rest of the night eating boxes of Pocky sticks wandering the streets trying to find one of those undies vending machines but didn’t find one.
Melbourne Day @ Docklands (27 August) – it’s our birthday guys. Give me a shallow cake, dirty knife and a handsome man then LET ME BLOW out dem candles.