Ngarrga Bullarto Mirnian (Full Moon Party) @ Fed Square (11 May) – Leo DiCaprio and Tilda Swinton re-enact their Koh Phangan scene.
World Sideshow Festival @ Ballarat (11 – 13 May) – bring out the freaks. But the freaks are sleeping? Then we all say ‘yeah Pulp Fiction has such a good soundtrack’.
Good Beer Week @ Melbs (12 – 21 May) – all the good bears come out to play #werehere #werequeer #wedontwantanymorebears (that is from Arrested Development if you didn’t know the reference. And now I have gone and ruined the joke by explaining it. Great.)
My Fair Lady @ Regent (12 May – whenevs) – #kwain Julie Andrews is here to direct it – ALL HAIL THE KWAIN
Mahmoud Ahmed and Ali Birra with The Jazmaris @ Arts Centre (14 May) – ETHIOPIAN JAZZ. I have no idea what makes jazz Ethiopian, but boiiiiii am I keen to find out.
La Fiera Italian Fest @ Myrtleford (16-21 May) – I am a huge fan of Italian meatballs.
Big Vegan Market @ Royal Exhib Building (13 May) – make a lol about ‘how can there be big vegans when all the eat is twigs and leaves?’ but like, funny. Don’t forget before sending out.
European Food Fest @ Foodtruck Park (12-14 May) – Eurovision is coming. Sample the men I mean foods of the countries performing. EUROVISIONNNN
Westcoast Swing Dance Party @ Fed Square (13 May) – The Eagles put their keys in a bowl then dance around singing their team song.
Country Festival @ MCG (13 May) – Aunt Pam talks about the new dog and Australia’s education system. Uncle Pete complains about the laziness of youth, recent rainfall and ‘Georgia’s got a new foal’. Cousin Emma says ‘Or course houses cost that much. What do you expect, living in the city?’. Cousin Zoe says ‘Sprink, you really should marry a country boy. They’re honest and easy, not like those internationals you keep going for with all the drama. Get a nice country boy’. This is what I know of country folk. Aaaand now they have a festival.
Mother’s Day Market @ Heide (14 May) – don’t like yours? GET A NEW ONE.
Davidson Brothers LIVE @ Yinnar Hotel (13 May) – the best banjo duo in THE COUNTRY. Fun fact: they are not married to their cousins.
The Black Jesus Experience @ Melb Bowling Club (12 May) – the greatest opportunity to talk about my ex. But I will not. No I will not.
Barring Yanabul (We All Walk the Path) @ Melbourne (13 May) – we are all on the same path. Elbows in please.
Tooronga Baban Nganjin (New Mums Ceremony) @ Burrarung Marr (14 May) – a welcome ceremony for bubs where Elders will gift them their first possum skin pelt. Literally.
Carmen @ Arts Centre (4 – 26 May) – Carmen San Diego is on the run again. We all go to the public libraries to find out what books she borrowed to guess which country she could possibly be in and then we all buy flights to go there. We find the next book she borrow and so on until someone invented the internet, tracking humans by smart phones and.. man that was such a good game though.
High Country Harvest @ High Country (5-21 May) – I hear this’ll be the last week to see the autumn leaves in all their glory, before they, you know, drop, and the trees’ voices break.
Materiality @ Hawthorn Town Hall Gallery (13 May – 2 July) – curated by RMIT students, this exhibition explores the lyrics of rap music in today’s society, and the direct effect it has on the cost of ‘grills’.
World Class Cocktail Week @ Melb (7 – 13 May) – keeping standards high. And drunk. And in need of a kebab at 2am.
