This is Alex. She is 31, likes eating fruit, being bae and hanging out with her boy-magnet pooch Winnie.
She grew up in a haunted house and was raised by a very successful scientist atheist mother (who once put Alex’s pet rabbit in the freezer to show her the next morning it had died) and a gregarious Scottish, Christian architect father (who once hid in the garden all night from his wife and his super-Presbyterian mother after a drunken night out with da boys).
Alex spent her adolescence trying to save the animals her cats kept killing, avoiding swim lessons because she wanted to sleep and hiding behind the couch when unexpected visitors arrived so they would think no one was home and would leave. While all of this is the perfect recipe for a serial killer, it is apparently also one for a lawyer. At 27 Alex started her own law firm ATTICUS which she has filled with *living* employees and while she doesn’t think she is fancy in the slightest she has mo big-name clients oh and SHE HAS HER OWN FCKING LAW FIRM FFS (I didn’t even own a car at that age). But she is hella down to earth and directs runs her firm by noble principles – ‘the key to running a good business is having all your clients know you’re ridiculous. And at the end of the day isn’t everyone an alcoholic?’.
Her employees describe their boss as ‘that one over there doing shots at the bar’ and quite enjoy hearing of her stupid weekends at their Monday meetings. Recent WIP notes reveal: she paid a Real Housewife of Melbourne $500 for a 30min psychic reading; agreed to dating her Uber driver ‘saying yes was less awkward than saying no’; bought a $3k dog on a whim (thus establishing Victoria’s first 100% dog friendly law firm); went blind for 24hrs after burning her eyeballs on the sun’s reflection off the pool water; and locked herself inside her own apartment. Alex is ridiculous and amazing all rolled into one and is happy to admit the stupid things she does because it pays off to keep it real. Plus it was only up until a few years ago that she discovered reindeer were real creatures and not made up (like unicorns).. And there is nothing wrong with that.
So yeah, winning a date with a guy on The Sprinkler wasn’t that much out of her comfort zone. Tune in next week to find out how she and Dan went on their date.
This weekend in Melbourne
Cadel Evans Great Ocean Road Race @GOR (26 – 29 Jan) – Cadel Evans has his shoelaces tied and is forced to shuffle his way along the GOR while reciting the names of the 178 ships that met their fate along the Shipwreck Coast.
Australian Open @ Rod Laver (meow – 29 Jan) – only a few days left to nab yourself a sports fan with an accent.
MEGEX @ Hisense Arena (25-26 Jan) – a good place for single ladies *with really low expectations* to find a man.
Dragon Boat Regatta @ Falls Creek (28 Jan) – Game of Thrones reference would be good here. I probs should have watched it but you know I’m busy with my huge social life aka I have a cat.
Sea Sherpa: north shore challenge @ Portland (28 Jan) – small Nepalese mountain peoples are thrown from clifftops and forced to swim their way to the shoreline surviving purely on krill and kelp.
Star as a Superhero @ ACMI (24- 25 Jan) – a workshop the single guys from MEGEX will be stoked to hear is also happening this weekend
Star in a Zombie Scene @ ACMI (23 Jan) – as above.
Audax Alpine Classic @ (28 Jan) – Australia’s toughest single day bike ride: 250km or 320km. For legs of steel.
Newstead Live Music Festival @ Newstead (26-29 Jan) – NOT a music festival for zombies, but for live people.
Zoo Twilights @ The Zoo (27 January – 11 March 2017) – something about Edward and Jacob and wait this is already an old reference. Ignore me.
Towards Zero Race Melbourne (26 January) – the fastest accountants in the world race each other to count backwards from 100 to .. you guessed it. Zero.
The Book of Mormon @ Princess Theatre (18 Jan – whenever it finishes) – two fat Mormons try to have sex. Missionary Impossible.
Inverloch Classic Wooden Dinghy Regatta @ Inverloch (27-29 Jan) – salty seamen steer a wooden dinghy through a wet loch. A classic love story.
Bowled Over @ St Kilda (26 Jan) – Mick Molloy and Judith Lucy make out on the green. Again. GUYS PLEASE STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT ISN’T RIGHT
Australia Day in Latin @ Montalto (26 Jan) – He heard a whimper. She was alive. Damn it. Montalto returned to the crumbled wreck, reached through the broken window and unclipped Esme’s seatbelt. She slumped forward on the wheel with a groan, blood dripping slowly down her cheek. ‘You woman are a disgrace. Look at yourself, you’re ruining that dress for starters..’ he muttered as he dragged her out of the car. He lay her on the ground and inspected his shocked and delirious nemesis. Her thin body was still gracefully sporting the elegant gown – save a few drops of blood – her hair a mess but it wasn’t terrible.. however half of her face was spattered with cuts from the windscreen and a blood line trailed from her brow to her jawline. She looked up at him as she came to ‘Bobby? Bobby is that you? Baby what happened?’ she whispered to him. Baby? His ears pricked up, Robert Tuck – aka The Grip on Gotham – and assassin extraordinaire Esme Treloar.. were lovers? Oh this was perfect. Montalto picked up Esme up and threw her over his broad shoulder ‘You foolish wench! You’ve given me the key to the city now..’ he laughed as they headed downhill towards his secret hideout..