This is Viv. She’s fitty-nine, feeling fine and lives in Ballarat where she loves painting, gardening, and being a Grand-ma-ma. Viv was a no-mates-Nigel when the fam moved from NSW to Victoria during primary school, and she made her first non-imaginary friend with a fellow loner – who happened to be obsessed with drawing horses.
Viv too became infatuated with the big, hairy creatures and together, after many a paper round, they managed to save $120 to buy a horse which they kept in a paddock by a creek (now a car park and a freeway). Being a vet was a goal of Viv’s, but this long, ginger-haired hippy didn’t want to kill animals, so instead she became a lawyer. She and the hubby met at Uni, fell in love, got married in his parents backyard and had three hella cool, quick- witted and successful daughters.
During her career, Viv represented many a smooth criminal (excluding MJ) with job titles including drug dealer, drug addict, thief, hit man and murderer. She often visited Pentridge – where she found the guards to be scarier than the inmates – but also remembers that the lower security at Fairlea Women’s Prison made visiting there the worst. Viv reckons the kewlest thing to ever happen to her was being selected as a jump-judge for the equestrian cross-country event at the 2016 Rio Olympics. She recently retired, and loves it because she can hang out in her garden, paint, play with the grand kids or chill with Bubbles the foal (who was born on World Champagne Day).
Viv lives a happy life and thinks that laughter and approaching situations with a good sense of humour is the best remedy for all things. Except getting out of jail. #truthbombfromViv
11 – 13 Nov
Night Noodle Markets @ Birrarung Marr (10 – 27 Nov) – full of people on Tinder dates looking for some cheap n tasty noodle.
Polish Festival @ Fed Sq (13 Nov) – celebrate the poles. North, south and all between that’s what she said.
David Hockney @ NGV (11 Nov -13 Mar) – ole mate Hockdawg showing off his maddawg painting skillz. Taste of Melbourne @ Albert Park (10-13 Nov) – think virgin origin coffee flavoured dumplings rolled in salted caramel and organic micro herbs.
Melbourne Music Week @ Melb (11-19 Nov) – I have a feeling Kween Mariah C won’t be coming to this one.
Healesville Music Festival @ Healesville (11 – 13 Nov) – koalas on guitar, a platypus smashing the drum sets and a couple of emu’s backing up Gotye on vocals. LIES Ok he won’t be there but his name sounds like it should be an Australian animal, no?
7 Peaks Domestique Ride @ Marysville (13 Nov) – I am the biggest sucker for a man in lycra. I don’t consider it a problem, more an opportunity.
Russian Resurrection Film Festival @ ACMI (10-16 Nov) – Stoli drinkers from Redheads Nightclub circa 1997 all rise from the dead to make out again in the red room then go to QBar on the way home.
Lorne Film 2016 @ Lorne (11-13 Nov) – ok srsly when is there something NOT happening in ye olde Lorne?
Green Your Laneways Project @ Melbs (meow – 14 Nov) – literally don’t tell me what to do with my laneway.
Blaque Showgirls @ Malthouse (11 Nov – 4 Dec) – a musical about dentistry. Oh wait that is a ‘B’ not a ‘P’.
A Sonatina @ Arts Centre (12-13 Nov) – a chicken literally dresses up as a Matador and swipes right on life.
Love Live Music @ MCG (13 Nov) – stop telling me what to do, I will love who and what I want.
A Night of Laughs with Goldie @ Regent Theatre (14 Nov) – a hilarious golden retriever does back flips on stage and barks just at the right time. Everyone laughs. Applause.
Enquiring Minds @ Melb (12-13 Nov) – a place to hear all of the questions.
Dusty @ Arts Centre Melbourne (12 Nov-4 Dec) – a musical about a t-shirt brand from the late 90’s who threw a party in their warehouse once. That I went to with my General Pants work mates, one who broke the side mirror on their car and got fired the next day for it. He then became head of marketing at Dakota on Chapel Street and got married in Germany last year so it all works out in the end guys.