This is Tessa. She eats brie for dinner, used to live in Hans Christian Andersen’s house and her Granny says she’s a descendant of Napoleon. She suffers from resting b*tch face but she is really, really nice and has done good things like living in Borneo rehabilitating orang-utans.
Did you always have a thing for rangas?
I just have a thing for babes. I am currently dating a rapping doctor who is a mega babe.
You dated a D-list celeb once didn’t you?
OMG Sprink get over him already, you hated him so much. D-lister is generous though – and in my defence I quickly realised why he was single and on a dating show. He did have a solid beard-factor (RIP). I ended up dumping him with Bridget Jones quotes.
Slaayaaa. What’s been your longest commitment then?
Since my MySpace days I’ve paid an obscene amount to be an MCC member in case Richmond (**go tiges**) ever got into the Grand Final. When they DID win this year, I ended up crying hysterically at a musical festival in NSW because I honestly didn’t think they had it in them. That’s what you get for a lifetime of telling yourself sh*t like “it’s not always about winning” – ITS ALWAYS ABOUT WINNING.
Also I heard when you went to Jordan you became a murderer?
That’s a tad rough, but chru. I was on a walking tour and saw a dying donkey laying on the side of the road, its eyes rolled back in its head struggling with laboured breath. The tour guide told me it had been there for days – their tourism is so bad they can’t even afford to feed their families, let alone their donkeys. I asked him if he had a gun – um no – I asked him for a knife – er, no lady no knife – so I asked him for his belt. I went up and strangled the donkey to death. The tour guide couldn’t look at me for the rest of the trip. It got awkward.
Wow you really love animals.
I actually do Sprink. But one time I was at Richmond Station and punched a magpie mid-flight as it swooped me. McGregor’s got nothing on me.
16 – 18 September
Melbourne Fringe Festival @ Melbourne (15 Sept – 2 Oct) – Zooey Duchanel’s entire personality is having a festival in Melbourne. And imma go see her po po mo co.
Siblings in Sync @ Arts Centre (20 & 22 Sept) – brothers and sisters dance to N’Sync’s greatest hits.
Film Scoring Workshop @ Arts Centre (17-20 Sept) – kids are taught to steal films from video shops. Wait it’s not 1994. People are filmed shooting goals?
John Olsen -The You Beaut Country @ NGV (16 Sept -12 Feb) – ripper mate, sounds ace.
Stories Over Supper: Spring Edition @ Grub Food Van (19 Sept) – the name literally explains itself.
Fringe Furniture 30 Redesign @ Abbotsford Convent (15 Sept-2 Oct) – chairs and couches made of Zooey Duchanel.
Disneynature Festival @ ACMI (17 Sept-2 Oct) – Disney docos. Sometimes not making a gag is good.. that’s what she said.
An Evening With Henry Rollins @ Arts Centre (19-20 Sept ) – this guy is a legend.
Snugglepot and Cuddlepie @ Arts Centre (17-25 Sept) – everytime I hear their names I just get hungry.
Royal Melbourne Show @ Showgrounds (17-27 Sept) – showbags, animals, showbags, rides, showbags, music, showbags, food, showbags, drinks, showbags with showbags in their showbags
The Wolf of Wall Street session@ ACMI (16 Sept only) – come see playboi Leo DiCap respect women on screen. Its ‘acting’.
Kidsfest @ Shepparton (17-18 Sept) – a festering of kids.
One man in his time @ Jewish Museum of Australia (11 Sept-12 Feb) – the story of a single man who spends his life concocting an elixir that will shrink him so he can live in his watch.
Italian Film Festival @ Melb (16 Sept – 9 Oct) – meat-A-balls on-A-film.
Time of Your Life @ Arts Centre (20 Sept) – … Eduardo grimaced slightly ‘That is enough out of you, silly gigolo. I am the one with the gun. We go out the back and I take you to the Ridge to see Tuck. Come’. Montalto stood slowly and headed through the back of the bar towards the kitchen exit, Eduardo following closely. As he walked casually past the crates and fridges, stopping to pick a slice of lemon from an finished plate and contemplate it as though it were a piece of art, Montalto’s eyes darted around searching for anything – a knife, an exit, a brandy – anything that would help get him out of this stiff situation. He felt the shove of hard steel in his spine. ‘Enough diddling you worm. Move.’ Montalto straightened his back and swivelled on his heel to face Eduardo, his eyebrow raised as he glared down at his former friend and colleague ‘I am a gentleman, street-man, you should have learnt by now that a gentleman travels with poise, purpose and dignity. He never.. hurries’ and with that, lemon juice launched with sniper-like accuracy into the beady eye of Eduardo, who instinctively dropped his gun to clutch at his stinging retina.
Eat / Drink by The Sprink
Middletown Cafe @ 299 High St, Prahran – A sea of blue, an array of marble and luxe fit-out are all phrases that I would use to describe this place if I was pretentious. But I am lazy with a limited vocab so here goes. This gem of a brunch-nest opened literally last Thursday and they’re already better than you and me at most things. Including waking up and deciding to invent the coffee waffle. Yes the COFFEE WAFFLE, like it is NO BIG DEAL. The gang behind Operator 25 know what they’re doing, and their head barista has moved south side to be handsome for the kewl kids of Prahran. 98% of this place is window.. Pls bring your sunscreen so you can pitch camp darling in the corner and watch all the puppies waiting out the front for their owners to finish their wagyu briskets and almond milk babychino’s. Side note: legit someone ordered one of these when I was there. Oh how the other half live.
