Also known as the cheapest weekend of the year to fly internationally.
Sofitel Girls Day Out @ Flemmo (10 Sept) – Melbourne Cup Carnival 2016 begins, thus heralding the season of new Tinder profiles.
Batman Night Markets @ Coburg (10 Sept – 10 Dec) – street food, live music, lots of anarchy and Aaron Eckhart is still handsome with half a face.
Welcome to Thornbury Hawker Market @ Thornbury (7 Sept) – srsly, where did the word hawker come from?
Australian National Piano Award @ Shepparton (5-10 Sept) – real talk: is there reaaaaaaally a difference between a piano and a keyboard?
Nijinsky – Australian Ballet @ Arts Centre (7 – 17 Sept) – my grandma used to be in the Australian Ballet. When she was 78 she was cleaning the spouts and the ladder fell away. She was hanging for a while and then dropped into a perfect plie and was totally boss-fine about the whole thing because a well executed ballet move can save lives, people.
Tesselaar Tulip Festival @ Silvan (8 Sept – 4 Oct) – where you can see Australia’s biggest clog. Like actually.
The Coodabeen Champions Live @ Arts Centre (11 Sept) – I still can’t get over the fact that there will be men – real men – talking about footy. Aside from that time a tram came to the tram stop, I think this is THE most surprising event of the year.
Katie Marx’s Butterland @ Butterland (11 Sept) – smearing butter on the ground and keeping the dairy industry alive.
Montalto in Town @ Richmond (8 – 10 Sept) – A familiar throaty voice broke his thoughts. He froze. ‘Well well well. Montalto. I thought you’d skipped town. I’ve got someone here who wants to meet you’. His eyes widened and his mind raced ‘No it can’t be. I thought I killed him’. Montalto straightened his back, breathed in the smoky air of the dingy bar and turned slowly, so to allow the candle light to play dramatically on his handsome features. ‘Ah Eduardo. How disappointing. I thought I left you sleeping with the fishes’ Montalto said nonchalantly, ignoring the weakening in his legs as he looked his old colleague up and down. A thin, short man, with a receding hairline covered in Bryll cream, Eduardo’s skin was grey and his haggard features were emphasised by a fresh scar that cut deeply through his left eye-brow all the way down to his jawline. It looked grotesque, and a wave of disappointed rose in Montalto that his handiwork was so off-putting. Eduardo sneered, ‘Ha, fancy man. I am too quick for you. And you never knew how to finish a job did you, friend? Always too busy chasing the skirts, never dotting the T’s or… ‘, ‘Or crossing the eyes, it seems’ Montalto interrupted. Eduardo grimaced slightly ‘That is enough out of you, silly gigolo. I am the one with the gun. We go out the back and I take you to the Ridge to see Tuck. Come’. Montalto stood slowly and headed through the back of the bar towards the kitchen exit, Eduardo following closely. To be continued…