2 – 4 March

VAMFF @ errywhere in Melb I swear (1-18 Mar) – not to be confused with Banff
You Can’t Do That @ Melb Museum (2 – 18 Mar) – McScuse me? You’re not Drake, you can’t tell me what to do.
Rone @ Collingwood (2 – 4 Mar) – the literal nicest guy in the game. If you missed his Alphington house because you don’t do 3hr lines, then get right hurr for a 8min version of what you shoulda seen IRL.
Clean up Australia Day 2018 @ Errywhere (4 Mar) – just like Valentine’s day, you can show love/ clean up 365 days of the year but do you ever do it? Well, do ya punk?
Play On: the art of sport @ Mornington (2 Mar – 29 April) – lol
French Film Festival @ kewl cinemas (meow – 27 Mar) – if you haven’t made out with a hot Parisian who worked in the accounts department for 6months and no one knew you were a thing, and then he moved to Dublin and still messages you like WASSUP WHERE MY BISH AT, are you sure you’re even from Melbourne?
Mordi-Beach Festival @ Mordi (3 – 4 Mar) – bring your boogie bordie to Mordi
Gourmet Cinema @ Caulfield (1 – 11 Mar) – bring your pawmet to .. oh forget it.
Brunswick Street Music Festival @ Brunners (2 – 18 Mar) – recognising that 68% of Australia’s music is born from one postcode.
Beer Fest @ St Kilda (3 March) – peer nest. Beef rest. Callum Best. Feel blessed. Cos you can look at him. Like, srsly wtf. I just want to give his beard a small yank. And get to know him guys, cos personality is everything.
Seddon Festival @ Seddon (3 March) – ok srsly there are too many festivals on this weekend- I’m not at uni anymore Melbourne, FFS. Isn’t there a knitting workshop on?
Minature Leather Boot Workshop @ Collingwood (2 March) – woot, close enough.
Regurgitator @ G-Town (3 Mar) – when a band makes you pee your pants while you’re in the mosh pit with your sister who just dropped her pint on you after being smacked by a crowd-surfers elbow.. I’ve forgotten where this was going.
Sydney Road Street Party @ Brunners (4 Mar) – ain’t no party like a north-west-siiide part-aaaay *just ask Kim K-W*
Montalto Sculpture Prize @ Montalto (meow) – the winner was announced yesterday and I was too crunk to remember who got #1 but I do remember I had a wonderful wine I mean time.
A Taste of Kew @ Kew (4 Mar) – a whiff of second marriage, with mild Trinity tones, a peppering of new money and an after taste of Noosa holidays.
Dark Imaginings: Gothic Tales of Wonder @ Melb Uni (1 March – 31 July) – also known as the time I went out with a French guy who worked in the accounts department and no one knew and then he moved to Dublin.
Haitus Kaiyote @ The Zoo (2 Mar) – Grammy nominees are celebrated with a chorus of noises from drunk beasts with tickets. The animals remain well behaved.