This is Guillermo. He is 34, from Venezuela and calls himself G because Australians cannot pronounce his name correctly. He is also the guy I thought was crying at The Rose a few weeks back. G came to Australia 6yrs ago and moved to the ‘rural’ town of Adelaide where served time not going to churches between each Fringe Festival. He fell in love with a burlesque dancer from Brunswick and moved to Melbourne where he now works as an art director at an advertising agency. But despite being handsome, talented and cool he is not one of those ad asses, he is actually a nice human. And single, laidees? His last few years have sucked a big one – his dad was murdered back home, his mum had breast cancer and his heart has been broken a few times. Despite this tho G is a very happy soldier. He feels like he has found his place; he loves this city, is kicking off his own exhibition soon and surrounding himself with genuine, fun people who let him be real. G is someone you wish would choose you as a friend.
14 – 16 Oct
The Wedding Singer: A New Musical @ Theatre Works (14-23 Oct) – the stage version of a movie that Adam Sandler was only 99.3% annoying in.
The Color Purple @ Chaps off Chaps (13 Oct – 6 Nov) – brought to you by the number 6 and the letter ‘P’.
Pinot Palooza @ Showgrounds (15 Oct) – say piYES to piNOt.
BMW Caulfield Cup @ Caulfield Racecourse (15 Oct only) – a car chases horses around a course. Someone call PETA.
Docklands Blues Music Festival @ Wonderland (16 Oct) – not the only time you get the blues in the Docklands.
Fempire – A New World Order @ South Yarra Art House (14 – 31 Oct) – don’t you dare close your eyes. A hundred thousand things to see – hold your breath it gets better – I’ll take you anywhere, it’s time to share? stare? Who cares – let me rub a lamp, I want to ride Prince Ali’s magic carpet.
Patchewollock Music Festival @ (14th -16th Oct) – there will be sheep racing. THERE WILL BE SHEEP RACING.
Melbourne Comedy’s Rising Stars @ Butterfly Club (15 , 22, 29 Oct) – Melbourne comedians are being set alight feet-first to float up into the sky by hippies from The Beach. Michael Shafar FTW
A Nightmare on Dance Street 2 @ Palais (15 Oct) – Channing Tatum gets married to Jenna Whatshername = literally every Step Up 2 fans biggest nightmare/reality.
Archibald Prize @ Ballarat (14 Oct – 27 Nov) – literally the best painting comp out there for anyone without hair.
Empty @ 247 Johnston St Fitzroy (14 – 23 Oct) – street-artist pin-up boy Rone has painted an exhibition on a building that is going to be demolished. Come see it before it literally crumbles to dust.
Meyers Place Latin Festival (16 Oct) @ Meyers Place – Mike Meyers is inviting all the Latinos to his place to watch So I Married An Axe Murderer.
Foggy Mountain Bluegrass Festival @ Kinglake Ranges (14-16 Oct) – if you didn’t just picture 108 pairs of overalls and mouths full of snaggle teeth then we have nothing in common.
Marysville Jazz & Blues Weekend @ Marysville (14-16 Oct) – a weekend of hands doing the spirit fingers and the low-waist click thing like you can keep a beat.
Autumn Moon over Potato Blossom Mountain @ LAB14 Gallery (13 Oct – 4 Nov) – an exhibition made entirely of sugar, named by someone who was entirely high on it.
Biennial Lab @ QVM (17-28 Oct) – the description of this exhibition had me more confused than I was that time I was really confused. Also Steven Rhall is exhibiting here and he is kewl.
Australian Movie and Comic Expo @ Showground (15-16 Oct) – starring Nyles from The Nanny, the voice of Princess Jasmine from Aladdin and I literally have no idea who else because I like pot plants and cats and not much else.
Lee Mingwei -The Moving Garden @ NGV ( 15 Oct-29 Jan) – Montalto was driving the hijacked car at a casual speed out of the tin-can city. The thief, vagabond, murderer and gentleman caught the eye of his seemingly willing hostage and he gave her a charming smile. She returned it with gusto. He was suspicious – she was far too comfortable with being abducted than a woman (or anyone for that matter) ought to be. It would be best to lose this strange but beautiful creature as soon as possible, find himself a new car and leave town for awhile. With Eduardo – and the rest of Tuck’s goonies – hunting him down, he had no choice but to get out of Morningtown. Maybe he should start afresh and leave this life of lies and betrayal once and for all. He turned left and took the dark highway north. The woman beside him sighed. Was she.. relaxed? He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. Short red hair cropped close to her head, alert blue eyes that looked out smugly, a flushed cheek, and little rose bud lips that sat delicately above a small chin. She had on heavy makeup, was wearing a long sequined black evening gown and her hand wrapped tightly around a small white clutch. He could see a small smudge on the inside of her wrist, in the shape of a.. feather? He felt her gaze upon him and they locked eyes. She was smirking at him. ‘So are you going to introduce yourself honey or just sit in silence staring at me all night?’. Her voice. The short hair. Those lips. That tattoo. Montalto’s mind reeled and the pieces fell into place. He laughed as he put his large hand over hers. ”There is no need for introductions Madame for you know exactly who I am. And I, you.. Esme Treloar.’ Her hand stiffened and Montalto quickly snatched the small purse from her grasp, hurling it out of his open window before pushing her up against the passenger door. ‘This new look of yours isn’t fooling anyone! I know you Essy, I can smell the snake that you are as easily as I can your cheap perfume.” She let out a growl as she swung her fist at his face. He pulled away from her strike, but turned the steering wheel sharply. The car hit a rock and lurched over the embankment – the sounds of their screams echoed briefly in the dark night..
Eat / Drink by The Sprink
Botherambo @ Swan Street – Sprink: Ok G help me out with this review. G: Eh ok, it feels like if Vietnam was a first world country this is what it would look like. And the menu is designed to keep you hungry and keep you ordering. Sprink: An accurate statement. I was going to come back I would choose the ‘feed me for $50’ option. G: What was your favourite dish? Sprink: Eh I don’t know, I love Thai, fan of anything eggplant but maybe the spanner crab betel leaves with lime? G: Well mine was yellow fin tuna with 100 flowers on it. Sprink: Yeah that was pretty. G: Also the toilets are a bit weird cos it is unisex but one has a vacuum cleaner and there are tables in the cubicles. Sprink:Well, they have Thank You hand wash. You know that is the sign of a good bathroom. G: There is good energy at the bar, so definitely sit in the restaurant area. The clientele is majorly white except for one other person other than me. Sprink: G, that is a stretch you both look like a halfies. Anyway, I tan darker than you. I wanna say its a place where friends come, the vibe is uber casual. G: Hmm. Yeah this place isn’t good for a date. Maybe casual first date. Testing out the water. But it is conveniently located next to The Corner so I think it is perfect for pre-gig meal. Sprink: YAS this is true. G: Is this actually how you review restaurants? You just get drunk and talk at your phone? Sprink: It is sadly how I do a lot of things.