Melbourne Cup ’19 – lifesaver edition

Posted: November 11, 2019 by The Sprink


Sometimes you have a ripper Melb Cup (when you’re not a horse). This year was a tad badder (the good bad), possibly topping the list of BOG of all the race days Sprink has been to – including last year’s Oaks. How do the races keep getting better? 

“Why are they letting us walk across the finish actual line on Melb Cup Day?” asked ole buddy ole pal Andre who had managed to score two Birdcage tickets, of which Le Sprink was Le Plus One. It was 1130 am and we’d been dropped off on the wrong side of the track – a fortunate mistake cos they’d skipped the drop-off queue and thumbed a lift through the track tunnel in van full of people in wheelchairs, which had a few spare seats for a couple of hitchhikers wearing fancy dresses. ‘

Entry to The Cage: they flew the carpet in from Milan. Why? No one knows.

“Shrug” said ole Sprink because she is an emoji, then tripped in the surprisingly tall long grass that is the Flemmo Race track. After passing through all the general areas which were promising to be a mighty blighty that day, they made it to the Moet Cage where Nick Gianopolous and Rob Mills flirted with each other the way celebs do when they’re not friends but think they’re in a special society cos they once fingered Paris and or Vince Colosimo.

Me ole flame Robbo

“Should we ask him when Wog Boy 3 is coming out?” asked Andre drinking her 4th breakfast champers downed with some vegan canapes. “No – look at the size of dem cheeks, he will steal our canapes: hey what’s the colour of the day?”


Andre and Sprink stood on the balcony and looked down at the Birdcage thoroughfare where the colours were decidedly summer orange, pink, yellow and purple. Like a lifesaver pack. Ladies in suits of metallic magenta were winning this year, as was a young lass who had lilac mesh arms. If you followed Sprink on the socials you would know this.

Usian Bolt arrived with his click where they ‘ignored’ the paps (who were given a media call time for his arrival side note tho: Usain wasn’t paid to be in the cage, he just ‘loves the races’) where he relaxed like a cornered possum ‘casually’ drinking a Mumm, label out (again, not paid truly not being facetious).

Tim The Bachelor Robbins was there looking very ring-less and as though he is as much of a fan of musicals as Rob Mills, then Andre and The Sprink were invited to ‘the secret room’ for a special wine pairing. Mid-way through an oyster that tasted like a book Sprink once read, Gina Reinhart came into the room with Wog Boy’s loaded cheeks both looking for a place to do some sneaky shots, only to be told they didn’t have a booking and please leave, by a security guard who was born the year the Spice Girls released Wannabe and most certainly did not recognise them as two of Australia’s Most Wanted.

WB# and Madame Mineshafter are asked kindly to leave

By 5pm our heroes had still not seen a race or a horse but had definitely snuck into the Herald Sun birdcage, danced by the outside piano and flipped the Bumble birdcage the bird – no STDs for us today, thank you.


Waleed Ali, Carrie Bickmore and (looking fierce) walked past on their way to the Ch10 studio, leaving Lilo and a whole bunch of Jacinta’s in their wake. Walking past memories of the Lexus birdcage, The Sprink and Andre realised Mumm’s was The Cage to Rage in 2019. A few more champers with last year’s FOTF winner Palmer they went to watch some people punch darts by some street art then called it quits. ‘Let us depart’ they decided after their 19th oyster, and they did. On a train. Singing Horses with some fellas from  Dandenong.

punchin darts

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