Maddawgs of Melbourne
Flick had a love past that was quite lame. Despite being a 10/10 champ she never found anyone who ticked her box..es. She went to Thailand on hol in 2010 with her bez-dawg KTown and accidentally ended up staying in honeymoon hotels the whole trip. After two weeks of KTown killing the action (aka none) they both booked into a flea-bag party resort on Koh Phi Phi to get some quality time in before they had to bounce home. On her second last night she met a dark, French man who stopped her in her tracks “he had me at his first smile”. They didn’t leave each others side for 48 hours and she flew home completely and utterly in love. After hitting up Skype everyday for 12weeks he came to visit her as promised. “I was shittin myself” – but for no reason cos the sparks were flying and it was true blue love.
After years of pain doing the long-distance thing she chose Love Songs and Dedications on Smooth FM, quit her job, packed her belongings into one Mary Poppins bag and flew to Paris to give it a real go. Fast forward to meow they are married, living in the north of France with their baby spawn Zoe Rose and holding onto the Visa-dependant-dream of moving back to Melbourne faw reals.
“I miss decent sized beer, salad, AFL, Asian food (specifically pho), speaking English and being a bogan with no shame. I don’t miss north of the river hipster beards or VBs”.
This weekend in Melbourne
December (last bit)
Summer Flow Yoga in the Park @ Bright (now and forevermore) – get saxy in the brightest of the bright with yogini extraordinaire Em Rose
Cinema at the ‘G @ MCG (24 – 25 Dec) – Shane Warne dresses up as Santa and runs laps of the ‘G swiping right on everyone he passes.
Boxing Day Test Match @ MCG (26-30 Dec) – WHO WILL WIN I DNT EVN KNW WHO IS PLYNG WHO CRS WILL BE HUNG ANYWY WOO CRKT GET THT BALL OR WTEVA YOU DO
The Backlot Rooftop Drive-in @ Docklands (26 Dec – ) – ‘Up Close and Personal’ starring The Southern Star Wheel. Directed by The Wind.
Beyond The Valley @ Lardner Park (29 Dec-1 Jan) – a music festival set in a larder.
Falls Festival @ Lorne (28 Dec – 31 Jan) – lots of clumsy people gather together and trip. Trip over.
Barefoot Cinema @ Point Nepean National Park (27 Dec – 6 Jan) – a night of bindis, prickles and tweezers
January (first bit)
Circus 1903 The Golden Age of Circus @ Regent Theatres (3 – 12 Jan) – a monkey with a top hat riding on a tricycle opens the show and.. YOU HAD ME AT MONKEY
Slide the Square @ Fed Sq (4- 15 Jan) – literally the worst Play School window shape you could slide on.
Room on the Broom @ Arts Centre (4 – 15 Jan) – starring Bette Midler, SJP, and the third woman from Hocus Locus whose we all forget.
MARS 2017 Cycling Australia Road National Championships @ Ballarat (4-8 Jan) – I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again.. give me a man in lycra and give him to me meow.
Twilight Jazz @ Montalto (9 Jan) – He awoke in a crumpled car. His head ached but he was alive. He slowly turned his handsome face to his right to see an unconscious (or dead) Esme Treloar slumped in her seat, the left side of her face covered in cuts from the shattered windscreen. ‘Fortunate’ he thought, as he unbuckled his seat belt and kicked the haggard door open ‘if she were still beautiful I would have had to save her’. Montalto stood slowly and checked the signs his body was still in top working order. A small pain in his neck, and lower back, slightly twisted knee, dull headache but.. aside from that he felt as debonair as ever. He straightened his jacket, tied his laces and began to head slowly up the mountainside their car had somersaulted down. He heard a gurgled cry from behind him. He stopped in his tracks and looked at the darkening sky. What to do? **
Kooyong Classic @ Kooyong (10 – 13 Jan) – but it’s not the Aus Open so.. tickets avail.
Cinema at the Otways @ Otway Fly & Otway Lightstation (13 Jan – whenevs) – I can guarantee someone will be attacked by a drop bear at one of these screenings.
Eye Gazing @ Fitzroy Gardens (9 Jan) – hey guys I have a great idea lets go and sit in the park and hold hands with some stranger and stare at them without speaking for as long as we can. Yeah let’s do it.
Australian Open @ Rod Laver (16 – 29 Jan) – SERENA
Shimmerlands @ University of Melb (2 Jan – 25 Feb) – sponsored by Jazz Hands featuring cabbage, a 9 iron, the sound of a thorn and the hair of an elderly Swedish man. Wtf – I don’t even know but yes this.
In A Deep Dark Forest @ Arts Centre (11 – 15 January) – A story about dating Italian men.
Alfa Romeo Portsea Polo @ Portsea (14 Jan) – faded salmon coloured pants paired with ray bans, a hint of self-importance followed by a whiff of dad’s credit card. Mmmm.
So Frenchy So Chic @ Werribee (15 Jan) – TINA ARENA aka BAE, or TINA BAERINA.
Portarlington Mussel Festival @ Portarlington (14 Jan) – flex for us babes flexxx.. wait
Eat / Drink by The Sprink
Christmas party lol’s from people you probably know @ your office Christmas parties.
J – I got told off by the boss’s wife for stealing a bottle of Bollinger for the bus ride home after the xmas party. Which was held at the their house. I wanted a roadie.
C – at the xmas party I slept with the intern in the backroom of the office because my house was too far away.
D – I found out that one of the mailroom guys (bald, had three teeth and only ever wore one jumper) was an erotic-fiction author and based the main characters of his books on women in the office After that I started walking sexy past him hoping he would make me one of his girls but apparently he didn’t.
J – I found out a colleague’s daughter who is now 19 had leukemia when she was born and wasn’t supposed to live and I started bawling at the table at about 3pm.
A – I projectiled in my Uber on the way home. He charged me $150 and my rating went down.
R – I’d just started working at a new office when I was approached by a drunkish colleague I’d never met who said I seemed cool and asked if I could keep a secret. ‘I used to be a prostitute’ he said, then finished his drink and we never spoke of it again. He is the most unlikely prostitute you could imagine.
K – we saw the office next door collapse as we left our building to go to our party. We took a few photos and then went off to our lunch.
G – my boss woke up dusty the day after the xmas party to our workmate calling him over and over again at 7am. He answered his phone with a hand strangely covered in paint. ‘WTF?’ – ‘Mate I’m out the front, quick we have to go to Bunnings’ – ‘Why?’ – ‘We have to get paint remover’ – ‘What the hell, why? We have to go to work in two hours why can’t we do it after work?’ – ‘Are you fckin serious?’. He had forgotten that the night before he got so drunk he vandalised the boardroom by writing his name in paint all over the wall.
B – I drank two bottles of tequila and hung out with the matriarch of the strip club I work at. I watched a guy get body slammed by the matriach’s son because he dropped the c-bomb in front of his mum. Think Jacqui Weaver from Animal Kingdom.
M – our xmas parties are sh*t, they are in the canteen and everyone has to BYO.
S – I got so drunk that I fell asleep in the bath when I got home, somehow managed 10hrs of z’s but then spewed the next morning and blew out an eyeball. I’ve had one full-bloody zombie eye for 10days and counting.
L – a new employee (been there one week) grabbed the Head of HR on the vagina. Needless to say he woke up to a hangover and no job.
KT – eh it’ not that interesting but once two people were stopped from having all out sex on the dancefloor in the middle of the work party. Also same year, there was a suicide attempt in the toilets after an office romance ended.
C – two married coworkers were having sex in the bush while her husband (who also worked with them) was inside at the party. That wasn’t cool.
G – I just started at a new office and they told me the xmas party theme was pink. Everyone showed up with a pink tie or pink socks. I came like this.
And because it’s sad:
T: No good xmas party stories but my bro and I were given a box of Coco-Pops for xmas one year, it was all our mum got us. She also gave my brother a broom another year 🙁