This is Esme. She is 92, has a very sharp sense of humour, loves meeting new people and she cannot lie. As in, she can’t even attempt it, her mouth just stops working. So Esme tells the truth in all situations therefore don’t ask her for her opinion unless you’re fully prepared for it to go either way.
Do I look good in this?
It’s a bit boring actually. You should get a big bright coloured necklace to make it more of an outfit. You also need to wear more lipstick. No wonder you are single.
Mic drop. What are your favourite things?
Dancing, dogs and carrot cake.
What was the kewlest decade to live in?
I loved the war years because I would party at the Dug-Out (now Hi-Fi bar) and had many American soldier boyfriends who gave me presents, including pantyhose which were a rare gift at the time.
Maddawg! What social circles did you swing in?
My sister was my best friend and together we were the belles of Melbourne performing for the National Theatre Company, Verna was a stage actress and I was a ballerina. Our friends were all the creatives. We mixed with the potters, painters and artists of Templestowe and Warrandyte, and attended parties with the likes of Graham Kennedy.
Woot did you kiss him?
No don’t be an idiot. I married a dentist named Roy but changed his name to ‘Roye’ in the newspaper announcement to make him sound kewler.
Did you have a job?
I did PR for the Ski Club of Victoria where at 50 I tried my first and only cigarette on a ski lift, then coughed so hard I fell off from 10 meters high.
What do you do now?
I still meet with my pottery friends and hang out with my kids, an grand kids.. and now great grand kids.
7 – 9 October
Melbourne Festival @ Melbs (6-23 Oct) – aaaand the award for Original Festival Names goes to…
Heathcote Food and Wine Festival @ Heathcote (8-9 Oct) – oh Heathcote, it’s me your Sprinky, I’ve come home I’m so coooooold, let me in-a-your window.
Port Fairy Spring Music Festival @ Port Fairy (7-9 Oct) – a whole bunch of portly men dressed as flowers throw glitter at each other in time to the music. This is my idea of heaven.
Australia v Japan @ Etihad (11 Oct) – meat pies VS miso, Kylie VS the karate kid and some other comparison that is bordering on being racist but isn’t. IT ISN’T
Dinner in the Dark @ secret location (8 Oct) – literally what it is like at my place when I am cooking. Not even I know what I am serving up.
The Art of Banksy @ Fed Sq car park (7 Oct – 22 Jan) – I lived in London for 2 years in my 20’s in a share house in She-Bu. It used to be owned by the Beastie Boys – man it was crazy, one of my flatties was a DJ and we had parties all the time. There were always artists and musicians there, I didn’t know any of them but yeah apparently Banksy came to one. We think he stole my flatmates camera on the way out. Sample A) of a convo you can expect to hear here.
MPavilion @ Queen Victoria Gardens (5 Oct – 18 Feb) – opens tomorrow night woot woot anyone want to come to the party with me? I need a date. As usual.
Milking Yard Farm Open Day @ Trentham (8 Oct) – my free range, grass fed organic cows bring all the boys to the yard and damn right, they’re better than yours.
Star Trek & MSO @ Myer Music Bowl (8 Oct) – I literally have never seen Star Trek. Shrug.
Toys of a Bygone Era @ Lord Coconut (3 – 15 Oct) – jewellery inspired by all my exs.
Awakening: Montalto Celebrates Spring Festival @ Montalto (9 Oct only) – Eduardo’s legs were stiff and cold, failing him as he lurched after the getaway car. His right knee bucked as he hit ground hard and he gasped, inhaling exhaust fumes and the scent of cheap perfume, before the rest of his stocky body followed him awkwardly to the ground. For a second, the world stopped. Eduardo lay in the watery filth of the laneway looking up, almost romantically at the night sky. The reflection of the city lights on the low clouds gave the illusion the city was held within a dome. Or was this the reality he was finally seeing? He couldn’t remember the last time he saw daylight. He closed his eyes, trying to recall the feeling of sun on his skin. Nothing. The sound of a distant car horn brought him back to his present. Damn. Montalto, that swine, had escaped him. Tuck would have his life for this failing. Capturing Montalto, his old colleague and ‘friend’ was the only thing Eduardo could do to prove his loyalty to the ‘mayor’ of the city’s underbelly. Montalto or my life? Eduardo sat up. He then stood up and looked again at the sky. The salty sea mist was coming in fast from the south, swamping the town. A bad omen.
Eat / Drink by The Sprink
The Bridge Hotel @ Castlemaine – twas a magical kind of day that first Saturday in October 2016. The Bulldogs won the big game and the whole country cheered, but they were not the greatest winners of all the lands. No. For the true winners that day were five ladies who dared to explore the unknown and discover a new world. We travelled north from our hometown following the winds of change, crossing ancient landscapes and mighty rivers to arrive at a city built on gold. Here, we found a local ‘public bar’ that we could have only believed existed in the clouds above the Faraway Tree. It was the kind of place that sold beer by the jug and gave away free hats with each order. That wrapped napkins so tightly around the cutlery you need scissors to cut them out. The kind of place that gave you extra dipping sauce – because you have no self control – for free. There were log fires inside and out, a pool table, plenty of stools for all and a big outdoor area for the gathering of wizards, witches and other such magical folk. There were other signs too, that we had found the way to the faery kingdom. A cat sat upon the bar just chillin like it was a regular thing that cats outside of Asia do. Dogs ran around inside under tables and through people’s legs as they wagged their tails and didn’t bark or beg for food. Children – yes small ones – were simply there to watch the football and not cry or make any annoying noises. And there were men. Yes men. Tall, handsome, polite, well spoken, straight single men. Who asked you questions and looked you in the eye, seemingly listening and interested in the answers. We were simply stunned, and drank jugs of magical golden bubble treacle that the welcoming staff-elves served us. Each time the Doggies scored, our ‘who let the dogs out chants’ rang through the town like delightful bells on angel wings and we were applauded and thanked graciously by fellow patrons for bring so fabulous and would we please come again. As the moon rose high in the starry sky, we looked at each other in silent wonder, knowing the night must soon fade into sunrise. Smiling real smiles, we asked a unicorn for directions back to the real world and linking arms, skipped merrily the whole way home.